he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
