I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
