You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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