I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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