she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
