We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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