i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
