i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
