she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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