just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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