If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
