Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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