so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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