Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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