So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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