Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
