I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
