Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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