If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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