i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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