Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
did i just pee glitter
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
