My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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