It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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