So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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