I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
