Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
