someone get that fucking seahorse.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
