He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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