btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
