yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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