Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
