I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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