So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
