The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
