I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
