just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
