So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
