You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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