My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
