cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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