Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
