so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
