Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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