a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
