that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
