Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Come share oat with me in your robe
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
