he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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