you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
