I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
