We named our party play list daddy issues
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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