Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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