Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't turn off my feet"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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