Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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