He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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