if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
