We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
