I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
