we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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