wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
