Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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