This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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